Okay, I’ll say it. I am on a diet.
I hate saying that. Being obviously overweight and announcing a diet carries inherent risks:
Having people look at you and think, “About damn time…”
Having people, including yourself, start a pool on when you will fail.
Becoming one of those people who are diet and food obsessed.
Becoming one of those people who, after successfully losing a few pounds, are self-righteous and want everyone to join him.
Being a failure with everyone watching.
Being a success and then everyone watching you gain the weight back.
Diets are gimmicky, diets don’t work, diets can be dangerous. Diets make you spend too much of your mental energy on food. Diets are a sucker bet.
But here I am. I need to change something if I want to live to be an eccentric but lovable old man. I turned 37 on Saturday and have forty coming around the bend. My knees are cranky and it’s unfair to make them carry the burden for the rest of my body all my life. So, happy birthday knees, I’m on a diet.
This is a very simple diet. I call it the “Eat Less Stuff” diet. No special foods, no herbs, no pills, no exchanges, no weighing, no damned glasses of water (except when I’m thirsty). I can eat fat, carbs, anything really. There are just four simple rules:
1. Don’t eat anything until you are physically hungry (Talkin’ pangs y’all).
2. Only eat about as much food as can fit in a large coffee mug.
3. Eat slow. After first portion, wait. If you are still physically hungry (pangs y’all) eat some more.
4. There is no “bad” or “good” food. Other than the guidelines of general nutrition, don’t restrict what you eat.
Of course this won’t work if you’re diabetic or something, but that’s the kind of thing I am trying to avoid.
That said, it’s a real pain in the ass. People don’t eat like this. Who goes to a restaraunt and orders a cup full of food? Most restaraunts nowadays serve dishes the size of small towns, so I either hafta order appetizers or things that I know will keep well in a take-home box. Who eats six meals a day?
It’s also pretty hard. So for motivation, my wife and I are doing it together for mutual support and accountability. I need accountability, but I don’t want to go around drawing attention to the fact that I’m on a diet (shhhh.) for the above-mentioned reasons. So I’m telling you. Pray for me. If you see me eating anything larger than a coffee mug, bitch slap me and then pray for me. But if you see me in real life, keep it all cool like, ‘kay?
Thanks. Y’all are great.