Soul-Sucking Tapeworms

From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being popular, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.

–Mother Theresa

This prayer spoke to me last night at Mass as I am in a desert experience of sorts right now. I am full of such desires and fears and empty of the feelings and motivations and energy I need to “be a spiritual person.” Full and empty at the same time. Inverted. Inside out.

That said, I guess I am halfway there. I need to be *all the way* empty. That way, as I am told, I can be a conduit for the abundance of the creator through me. But in the way are my attachments. I need to be free of expectation that things will be as I want them to be and not as they are.

I expect that, as a parent, I will be obeyed by my children.
I expect that, if I work all weekend trying to make progress on something, I will see progress.
I expect that my efforts at ministry will be appreciated by the people I’m ministering to. Even if they are Junior High age.
I expect that, if I clean something, it will stay clean for longer than, say, ten minutes.
I expect that, after I clear my mental to-do list, that things will not keep piling up.
I expect to find time to pray and exercise and am always disappointed.
I expect that my available time and disposition will allow me to avoid unwise food choices, and am often disappointed.
I expect to have the “will power”, whatever the hell *that* is, to resist the friggin’ Halloween candy that’s sitting out in a prominent place in my home.

Now that I write those down, I can see how ridiculous they seem. You’re probably laughing at me. I would be too if they weren’t hooked into my soul right now like little energy-sucking tapeworms.

I want to be free of the seething dissatisfaction created by my stupid expectations. I am mired in a state of not trusting in God, in not letting go, in not accepting reality. I want patience, and I want it right now!

Pray for me that I might somehow get rightside-up, turned inside-in.

And if none of the above even makes sense, just pray for me in general. Please.

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