Impressive Weasel

I got this off the end of an actual email sent to me. I did have to bowdlerize it to remove organizational and proprietary stuff, but the effect is still preserved. These constitute the most breathtaking set of weasel words I’ve ever been sent on an email:

Disclaimer: Certain statements in this release may constitute “forward-looking” statements within the meaning of the Private Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Words such as “expects,” “intends,” “plans,” “projects,” “believes,” “estimates,” “will,” “should,” “could,” “must,” and similar expressions are used to identify these forward-looking statements. Forward-looking statements in this release include, but are not limited to, our expectation that all changes made within this release will meet or exceed expectations. These statements are not guarantees of future performance and involve risks, uncertainties and assumptions that are difficult to predict. Forward-looking statements are based upon assumptions as to future events that may not prove to be accurate. Actual outcomes and results may differ materially from what is expressed or forecasted in these forward-looking statements. As a result, these statements speak only as of the date they were made and we undertake no obligation to publicly update or revise any forward-looking statements, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise. Our actual results and future trends may differ materially depending on a variety of factors including our successful execution of internal performance plans, external changes to the platform, facility, or software, mission rate increases and decreases (including any reduction in or termination of employees or mission manifests), acquisition and divestiture of software, and other cost-reduction and productivity efforts; the actual outcomes of certain U.S. and foreign government procurement activities, including the timing of procurement by the administration or the contratc management in light of, among other things, administrative oversight or review processes, an ongoing planning cycle, and long lead work for infrasctructure replacement; unanticipated facility changes including those which may impact configuration assumptions; performance issues with key users, workstations and/or software; factors that could result in significant and prolonged disruption to simulation support (including future terrorist attacks); worldwide political stability; domestic and international economic conditions; the outcome of process improvement processes, including uncertainty regarding funding of certain initiatives; changing priorities or reductions in program budgets; termination of government or commercial contracts due to unilateral government or customer action or failure to perform; legal, financial and governmental risks related to such contracts; legal proceedings; additional settlements with the external groups; and other political and technological risks and uncertainties.

In other words: We try to meet or exceed expectations, but shit happens. If shit happens, we probably won’t meet or exceed expectations. You can’t hold us accountable for not meeting or exceeding expectations if shit happens.

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