I’ve been tied up in knots for the past two days or so.
A line from a Kelly Clarkson song sort of set me right. Helped me see how to cut the knot.
“You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain “
Yeah, that was me all day yesterday. After five evenings in Pittsburgh with my career angst as my main traveling companion, I came home all tied up. With my hands wringing over my own insecurities, they weren’t available to reach out to the person I love. Preoccupation made me blind and lame and then made me unable to resist being hurt and defensive when that fact was pointed out to me. An agrument spun me into an even tighter cocoon of self-absorption. Begetting even more arguments. Followed by more wound-licking and self-absorption. A gordian knot of a negative spiral.
I had lost my ability to see clearly. And I should have known better. I know with my head what to do. I understand with my brain that prayer and meditation are meant to get me out of my own way so that I can be present to others. But, frustratingly, some part of me refused, still resists, and I don’t know why. I know better.
“You just saw your pain.”
Yeah. That’s me. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?