In which I celebrate my inner dork…

Q — What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close his own incision?
A — Suture self.

Q — What do you get if you play New Age music backwards?
A — New Age music.

A cowboy walked into a bar. He was wearing a paper hat, a paper bandana, a paper shirt, paper chaps, and paper pants. He was arrested…for rustlin’

Q — What’s large, gray, and not to the point?
A — An irrelephant

Q — How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A — Do you mean “change a lightbulb” or “have sex in a lightbulb”? Please clarify.

If a train station is where the train stops, what’s a workstation?

Q — Why are pirates so mean?
A — They just ARRRRR!!

Chopped cabbage–it’s not just a good idea…it’s THE SLAW!

Cogito Ergo Spud–I think, therefore I yam.

Relish today, ketchup tomorrow

Love means never having to say, “Put down that meat cleaver!”

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

You’ll go to Heck if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Ask me about UPDOC.

Nostalgia is never as good as it will be.

What do we want? The status quo! When do we want it? Still….

I’ve gotta be me–everyone else is already taken.

Couch potatoes have brain tubers.

God said to Noah, “On your ark, get set, go!”

Can God make rock so heavy he can’t thrash to it?

When the Devil goes bald, there will be hell toupee.

Use vowels every day or you’ll get consonated.

Lizard Invasion!!! Newts at 11:00…

Pawanioa: the fear your dogs are up to something

Dijon Vu: The feeling you’ve seen this mustard before

If you’re a Goth, where were you when we sacked Rome?

I want to move to theory. Everything works in theory.

f(x) went into a bar. “Sorry”, said the bartender. “We don’t cater to functions.”

Remember: With great power comes great current squared times resistance

Calculus: The agony and dx/dt

Life is complex: it’s partly real and partly imaginary

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