Comedienne Wannabe Ammo

Last night at dinner, Olivia was trying to tell jokes and was not having much success. She had the form down, but that’s pretty much it.

Olivia: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Us: I dunno. Why?
Olivia: Because the dog was there.
Us: uh… (quizzical look)

Olivia was getting upset because we weren’t laughing at her jokes. So we tried to give her some examples of good jokes and why they are funny. That’s a hard thing to explain to a seven year old.

But I figure I’d round up some jokes to share at the next comedian’s round table. Appropriate for seven year olds of course. Here they are, Olivia. You’ll kill with these, I guarantee it!

What did the snail say when riding on the back of a turtle?
Wheeeeeeeee!

Q. Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
A. Wherever you left it!

What’s E.T. short for?
Well, he has pretty short legs.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of a joke?”

Did you hear about the scarecrow who just won an award for being out standing in his field?

Skeleton walks into a bar. “I’ll have a beer and a mop.”

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
“Do you smell carrots?”

Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married. The reception was excellent.

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
“Wasabi”

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner.
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

1: Knock Knock
2: Who’s there?
1: Control Freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?”

What kind of fish has no eyes?
a fsssssssh

Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies!

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!

Where do you park your dog at night?
In a barking lot!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

What’s green and has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!

Why was everyone afraid of the baker?
Because he beat eggs and whipped cream!

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells.

What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean beef!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? No guts, no brains.

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What’s a soft and slippery?
A slipper!

Why did the octopus cross the road?
Because it was nailed to the chicken.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Easy, unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What’s the difference between a termite and a refrigerator?
One eats the houses and the other houses the eats.

Why did the cowboy buy a dacshund?
He wanted to get a long, litle doggy.

What has eight legs and loves ants?
Four uncles

What do you call a female doctor?
Doctor, you sexist!

What do you call the cheese you stole?
NACHO CHEESE!!!

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be baygulls! (Bagels, get it?)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle!

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says ‘Can you smell fish?’

A duck walks into a drug store and says to the sales clerk, “I need some Chapstick – just put it on my bill.”

What’s the hardest thing about fighting twenty six year olds?
There are twenty of them.

What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
“Where’s my plow?”

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

What’s loud and sounds like apples?
APPLES!!!!!!! (yelled as loud as you can)

Why don’t lobsters share?
They’re shellfish.

What’s red and sits in a corner?
A naughty strawberry.

What did the mommy volcano say to the baby volcano?
I lava you.

What did one wall say to the other?
“I’ll meet you in the corner.”

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