Family Table Jokes

Here is a whole list of jokes you can tell your kids. They kill (or at least get a groan) at family dinner. Sometimes only mommy laughs…

A neutron walks into a bar and says, “hey bartender! how much for a beer?”
The bartender looks at him and say, “for you? no charge!”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: “Do you smell carrots?”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
A woman goes to a casino for the first time in her life. She’s watching the roulette wheel, and an attractive man asks her if she’d like to play.
She says she’d love to, but she doesn’t know what number to pick. He says that she should play her age.
She smiles at the man, puts $50 down on 29 and the croupier spins the wheel.
The ball stops on 36, and the woman faints.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

Two silk worms were in a race.
It ended in a tie.

Q: What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick!

What’s the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Well anyone can roast beef . . .

What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Hey! Nice belt!
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.

A baby polar bear goes up to his father and asks `Am I really a polar bear?’.
The father bear responds `Of course, I’m a Polar bear, your mother is a Polar Bear, you’re a Polar bear’.
The baby bear wanders off, and asks it’s mother. `Am I really a Polar bear?’.
The mother bear says `Yes of course you are, I’m a Polar bear, your father is a polar bear, you’re a Polar Bear’.
The baby bear goes off to find it’s brother. It asks `Am I really a Polar bear?’
Brother bear says `Yes of course, Our mother and father are Polar bears, I’m a Polar bear, so you’re a polar bear too. Why are you asking?’
`BECAUSE I’M COOOOOLD!’

A man walks into a doctors office with a frog growing out of his forehead. The doctor is astounded and amazed and can hardly speak. Finally he blurts out, “How did this happen?” The frog says, “I had a pimple on my butt.”

My friend came up to me and said he was seeing these red and white dots swirling around in front of his eyes. I said, “Yikes! have you seen a doctor?” He said, “No, just these red and white spots.”

A highway patrol cop is cruising down Route 22 when he sees this slow moving car causing all sorts of problems. Some people are swerving recklessly around it, others are slowing down behind it, causing a terrible traffic jam. So the officer pulls the car over. Lo and behold, when the driver rolls the window down, it’s an elderly woman who can’t be less than 80, 85. So the cop says, as they always do, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The old lady says, “Heavens, no! I haven’t a clue.” The officer replies, “Ma’am, do you know what your rate of speed was?” And the old lady smiles and says, “Yes, 22. Same as the sign says,” and she points. The officer says to her: “Ma’am, that’s the route sign, not the speed limit. Please try to keep up with traffic. Good day.” And as he’s about to walk away, he glances at the other occupants of the car through the window. Before the old lady can close it, he says to her, “Wait, what’s wrong with your passengers?” because he’s just noticed the three other ladies in the car are all sitting ramrod straight in their seats, faces locked in horror, hair straight on end. The old lady says to him: “Oh, well, we just got off Route 128.”
A pirate walks into a bar wearng a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar nd orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

You: Two men were sailing in a boat. Their names were Pete and Repete. Pete fell out of the boat. Who was left?
Your cousin: Repete.
You: OK. Two men were sailing…

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily!

If you put 30 female apes and 30 male apes in a bedroom, what do you have?
A very large bedroom.

What does a shark eat for dinner?
Fish and ships.

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.

What happened to the man who couldn’t tell putty from toothpaste?
His windows fell out

What has a bottom at its top?
A leg

What two things can’t you have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens

What’s green and goes a hundred mile an hour backwards?
(Sniff wetly)

Ask me if I’m a car.
Are you a car?
Yes. Ask me if I’m a boat.
Are you a boat?
No… I just told you that I’m a car!

What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
A penguin.

At what time should you go to the dentist?
2:30.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.

 Why did everyone like the mushroom? He’s a fun guy!

Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Sorry, we don’t want your type in here.

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the juggler.

Q: How do you get the Web Designer off your porch?
A: You pay for your Pizza.

Two parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other, “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender looks at him and says “You know, we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says “You have a drink named Steve?”

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